Paralyzed

Life feels pretty stressful lately, and something needs to change.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about volunteering. Not just for the betterment of the community, but also for the selfish purpose of advancing myself, career-wise. From what I’ve observed, successful people are busy and involved in their communities. I, however, just go to work and come home.

Volunteering could be a way to meet new people, network, learn new skills, and maybe even discover a potential new career. But volunteering won’t solve any of our financial problems in the short term, and those are the problems that feel most pressing right now. I also worry that a volunteer position could cost me money – money spent driving around town for example, or money to attend events, money that I don’t have. But I can’t change my life if I never leave my apartment, right?

I also am seriously considering a second, part-time, just for the extra cash. Something I’ve considered many times in the past, but never followed through on. I worry of course about the extra time away from home – less time to do chores, grocery shop and cook meals (the effort that is keeping our grocery bill so low), less time with my husband-to-be. My fears of rejection of course crop up too, “why would anyone want to hire me? etc.”

I don’t have enough money for life. Period. I can’t support myself 100%. I can’t pay off my debt as fast as I’d like to. I can’t travel or buy presents for my loved ones. So more income (through a second job) feels like the only solution.

This is where I feel paralyzed. I feel like I can only do one thing at a time and I never know what to do first. I don’t know where it comes from, but I have a constant sense of there not being enough time. Never enough time. So instead I waste time worrying about what to do and which choice to make. I freeze. I stall. Paralyzed.

What’s that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results? I think it’s time I try something different.

~E