... And then we moved to Texas?

A potential move is up for discussion. This is not the first time my husband and I have had this talk. We have contemplated the move to the West Coast to be closer to my stepchildren. We have dreamed about a move to North Carolina to be midway between my parents and my in-laws. Now Texas is on the table. We are discussing the possibility because a relocation via my husband's job could become available in the near future.

I'm a change-hater and a big move like this would be life-changing. Moving away from my family and the place I have called home for almost twenty years now would be very difficult. I'm purposely not thinking about that part right now. But we see the positives as well. Being geographically closer to my husband's kids, being in a bigger city with more job opportunities and more entertainment options, the exciting adventure of starting a new life in a new place together.

The potential cities on the list actually sound amazing. Beautiful weather, great schools, many colleges and universities I could work for, solid job market, affordable housing, low cost of living, lot's of fun stuff to do (festivals, live music, sports), and great health care. Wouldn't all of those benefits outweigh some of the risks? My favorite place to play when thinking about moving is Find Your Spot. If you've never been to the site before, check it out. You take a quiz and the best places for you to live are recommended.

I like to tell myself that I would be brave and would handle a big move well. I think about all the proactive things I could do to establish myself in a new area. Joining Meetup groups, connecting with my board friends to see who lives in the area, signing up to volunteer for Girls Inc. and Girls on the Run, joining a gym, taking yoga classes, etc. It would be sad, and it would be scary, but it could be an amazing experience as well.

My husband and I tend to be pretty lazy people, so a move that is facilitated by one of our jobs might be the only way we ever do it. To move in this way we would already have one person's career taken care of (one job search instead of two) and the company would also pay for our relocation (less stress figuring out how to afford packing, traveling, deposits on a new place to live, etc.). We would also automatically know a few people - his co-workers and their families (many of whom would also be experiencing a relocation). If we were left to figure everything out on our own - where to move, where to live, saving up to pay for it all, when to go, how to meet new people ... we would never make it happen.

I do have my usual worries. My career of course. My husband would be employed, but there would be no guarantee as to when and where I would find work. I worry about the setback it would cause in my career development, to leave my current job so soon, to have a gap in my employment history, and so on. I worry about money - a big move to a completely new state without major savings in the bank? Sounds terrifying to me! I need that sense of security savings would bring, and we may not have time for that. And then there is starting a family ... if we begin trying again soon I could be pregnant or have an infant when we move. Being away from loved ones would be very difficult during that time.

In order to really wrap my head around the idea and see how I truly feel I need to know the timeline. When would a move really happen? Are we talking months or years? How much advance notice would we have? Will I have several months to adjust to the idea, say my goodbyes and plan for a new life? I don't have any of this information yet, but I've encouraged my husband to get the details.

If you have stories to share of a big move, I'd love to hear them.

~E

More Motherhood Musings ...

I have a few more worries to unload…

Money. Simple as that. The financial burden of bringing a child into the world (and I want more than one). I worry because we don’t have savings in the bank, and we have debt (tax, student loans, and a little credit). My husband and I do not lead a frivolous life, and we’ve really grown in our consciousness when it comes to spending. We always make things work, and financially our life is improving, albeit slowly. But still … getting pregnant without the security of a nice chunk of savings is a little scary. I worry about the big stuff (medical bills for a difficult delivery or a sick baby) and the little stuff (wanting to be able to buy whatever cute thing I see in Target!). Of course, the sage advice in this area is that if you want until you can afford to have a baby, you will never have one.

I’ve already explored the idea of motherhood while stuck in a less than ideal job, but there are a few other things that just occurred to me. Conferences, and traveling – my job involves a little of both. Being on the road and away from my husband isn’t idea for trying to conceive or while pregnant. I dread the thought. And what about graduate school? Continuing my education is something I’ve been thinking about casually for years. Will I be able to do that as a parent? While pregnant? I especially want to continue my education if it means a better career, and better future for my family. My husband’s career could also be a factor. He is doing so well at his job right now, but has mentioned more than once that he may not stay with this company forever. I better adjust to the idea of both of us changing jobs throughout the years, while balancing parenthood and marriage as well.

Where we live is also in question. Will we always stay in Virginia? I don’t know. It’s difficult to think about moving away from my family. It’s also difficult having my husband’s family and children so far away (and in different directions). We dream often of finding a place to live that is solely about “us” and not related at all to where everyone else lives. Geography aside, we’re also just outgrowing our current apartment that we have lived in for over two years now. Settling into a house to raise a family would be so beautiful, but just isn’t possible right now (scroll back up to the money paragraph if you need to).

If we are going to try to conceive I would like to work on my health and fitness. The stress of my new job has led me back to two old friends – mass quantities of caffeine, and stress eating! I need to manage my stress in healthier ways so I can have a healthy pregnancy and be a good role model to my children. I want to be a healthy, happy mom. I have this voice in my mind that is telling me I can’t mother until I am perfect. I need to be perfectly healthy, in a perfect job, in a perfect house, with a perfect savings account. The epitome of health, wealth, and balance for my future children. The perfection pressure exhausts and overwhelms me.

I obviously have trouble wrapping my mind around more than one thing at a time. I need to focus on my health, or focus on my job performance.  Focus on getting pregnant, or focus on finances.

Every day so many people do develop their careers and start families at the same time – often while also moving across the country, spending time on hobbies, and having a fun social life. It is possible. It must be possible.

~E

On Work & Motherhood

Am I Ready?

My husband and I want to have children together. There are already two in the picture, from a previous marriage, but we still want to have children that are “ours.” Becoming a mother is very important to me, and so is having a child with my husband. I always imagined being a mother, more so than I ever imagined getting married or having a particular career. I just knew it was something I would eventually do. Mother. Mother to many children – I once went through a phase where I told people I wanted TEN! In high school I also dreamed of having four boys (including having their names picked out) – pretty sure I was having trouble getting along with girls at that point in my life.

I have struggled a lot over recent years with the “Am I ready?” question. Most of the time I feel that I am not ‘grown up’ enough to be a parent. When I shared this with a potentially wise young dad he told me that I won’t ever feel grown up until the moment I do become a parent. He might be right. I may need to let go of the urge to feel 100% ready before moving forward.

My current struggles in regards to becoming a parent though, are all career-related. I worry about the timing of parenthood and where I am in my search for a career. I worry about getting pregnant while in a job that I’m unhappy with. Being stuck in a bad job is one thing, stuck while also pregnant, or with an infant? That has to be much worse. I worry about the negative effects of going out on maternity leave while I’m still so new to my job (if we started trying now, I will be exactly at the one year mark in my new position). Will I fall behind, right at the very point I started knowing what I was doing? I’m in higher education now, and maternity leave could interrupt my first full academic year – so I’ll never be able to judge if the field is really right for me. I worry about being judged by my supervisor and her supervisor, about how I’d be inconveniencing them somehow. And I worry about job stress preventing me from enjoying such a beautiful time in mine and my husband’s life.

Leaving my current job also feels like a non-option if I want to get pregnant in the near future. I have to work. Financially, we both have to be working at this point in our lives, so I need to be in a job long enough to qualify for the maximum maternity leave. If I leave my job for another, the clock resets. We can’t push things off forever while I shop for the elusive perfect job.

I feel sad about leaving my old job while I have these career vs. motherhood thoughts. The job was not fulfilling or high paying, but it was good in many other ways.  It was an incredibly family-friendly environment full of baby-loving people. Co-workers babysit each others children, celebrate milestones together, and having a kid in the office due to an unforeseen emergency was no big deal. Leaving work to go to multiple doctors appointments would have been simple. People would have been sympathetic and helpful if I was sick. I also was far past the minimum time to qualify for maternity leave and had great sick and vacation time saved up as well. I shouldn’t dwell on it too much, it’s not my place anymore.

Has anyone else felt this scared or conflicted?

I think I know deep down that all of this is just fear talking. Everything will work out as it should. I can’t let one job control my life choices. I work to live, I don’t live to work. Family is the most important thing - my husband, our future children.

~E