Envy & Inadequacy

Last night, I hosted a book club meeting at my apartment. Only two lovely ladies were able to attend out of the eight total members in our group, but it was still a very nice evening.  Being a part of the book club is relatively new to me (I was invited to join by a co-worker at my former job) and I’ve missed a few meetings myself due to being overwhelmed by my new job.

Leading up to hosting I felt negatively several times about our apartment. First, I felt bad for living in an apartment at all, since many of the book club women live in houses. Then I feel bad about our old, broken couch, the dirty carpet, our lack of a real bed, my embarrassing old furniture some of which I have had since I was a teenager, the bare white walls with no framed artwork or photographs. I feel inadequate, and nervous about being judged. It’s a terrible feeling because I don’t usually view our home through that set of eyes. On a normal day, I love our home. It’s comfortable, it’s us, it’s peaceful.  It’s a safe place for my husband and I both to come home to every day – it’s our sanctuary. We don’t have people over very often (mostly because we live in an apartment, and have limited space and seating) so opening our home up like this was in a way an invasion of privacy and made me feel vulnerable.

When my guests arrived they were very complimentary of the apartment and I felt more at ease. But as the conversations strayed from the book and towards personal life I began feeling poorly again. Both women travel regularly to Italy. Both have vacations planned this summer – two weeks at beautiful beaches in North Carolina and a trip across the country to California. Both women live in real houses and spend their weekends decorating and working on home improvements. When I mentioned wishing we lived in a house one of my guests, whom I had just met for the first time, said in an almost singsong voice “now is the time to buy!” I can hear the sentence ringing in my ears. Now may very well be a great time to buy a house, but not for someone without any money.

I envy their trips, their travels, their shopping sprees at Home Depot, their backyards, their family beach houses, their spare bedrooms that are used as workout rooms and crafting spaces. That lifestyle feels so unattainable sometimes.  I often wonder where I went wrong. Was it a series of poor decisions on my part the led me to not have these things I covet? Is it because I didn’t choose the right school or major, and took too long to finish my education? Career choices? Lack of drive? Spending and savings decisions? I'm not sure either of these women are dealing with debt or child support. Is it too late to achieve things like owning a home, being able to afford a summer vacation every year, occasionally traveling the world?

All in all, I enjoyed playing hostess for a few hours and it was very nice being social and having some girl time. On a positive note - our cat, who is extremely friendly, vocal, and lovey, was the star of the night and both of my guests fell in love with him.

The comparison game is a terrible one to play. Sometimes I just feel so behind ...

~E

This update is for you - Part I

Let's begin at the beginning. My "About Me" is no longer quite true. I'm still E, but now I'm newly 30. I still live in Virginia and don't see a move in the near future. I do still love the color grey. I'm still underemployed, perhaps just a little less so. And my hours are now 9 to 5. September 2011 has come and gone. After a beautiful wedding, I'm now a wife to one and stepmom to two. Wife is beautiful, wonderful ,meant to be. Step mom is more complex, but has it’s own moments of beauty.

What else is new in this ruffled life? I haven’t realized my hopes, but there’s no reason I can’t keep trying. There’s no time limit on hope. I still have no limits for this blog, it will be what it will be. Hopefully it (and I) will be more active!

My 29^th year ended, without much fanfare.  I was too busy changing jobs! Leaving my old job (after giving only 8 days notice) felt sudden, hurried, and raw, even though it was something I daydreamed about for over a year! I was finally brave about pursuing a new career and followed through on job search plans. I left the comfort of my old office “family” two weeks shy of my big day. Grand 30^th birthday plans weren’t really made, although my husband makes every birthday special for me. Life has been a little crazy since then, adjusting to my new role. I will be the first to admit, and I know I already have once on this blog, that I do not handle stress or change very well!

My 29^th year has passed, but I can still continue on in the spirit that started this journey. I may be 30 now, but I’m still growing and changing. I’m still learning to be gentle with myself, to relax and to ride out life's ebbs and flows.

Am I still the only one?  I’d still love to sip wine or coffee with anyone even just a little like me. Virtual drinks count.  Kindred spirit – I’m always searching for you.

Aha! Major changes on the Financial Goals page! My, how marriage changes things. Compromise is the key here. It’s no longer “my money.” We are a team and I’m no longer the number one decision maker in control, and boy do I love being in control. A few of these original goals can definitely be stricken from this list. First, I am financially independent from my parents. It’s grown-up time. I cut myself off, simple as that. I am eternally grateful for the years of help and support offered by my parents, always will be. For now, I stand on my own two feet, and lean on my husband when needed. Second, I changed my job and increased my income (just a little). We still have debt, progress is slow there. Our emergency fund is not where I would like it to be. We are no where near ready or able to buy a new car. Lastly, I’m not actively reading up on money, but I do feel I am constantly learning more in this area.

To be continued ...

~E

This update is for me.

Hello world. I've resurfaced. Time for an update?
Since almost a year has passed by with no blogging, a lot has changed. A lot I'm sure has stayed the same too. I resisted the urge to read over all my old posts and came straight here to the fresh blank page. Writing has been on my mind for a few days (I know it's good for me), so I finally sat down to do it.
Without looking over everything I previously wrote on Ruffled Life, I can update a few areas of my life. I'm officially a wife and a stepmom now - newlywed for 259 sweet days now (but who's counting?).
I have also changed jobs. After 2 years and 3 months, I am no longer a receptionist. I'm almost to the 3 month mark in my new job. To keep a long story short, I now work for a University. My current role has more responsibility than my former job, I'm still overwhelmed at the newness of it all, I'm undecided on whether higher education is the correct career field for me, and I miss my old co-workers dearly.
Short & sweet - that's all for now!
-E

In Search of Friends

At twenty-nine, I have no friends. I’m not trying to be self-deprecating, just honest.

Planning a wedding is often a reminder of what is missing in my life. So far it has been a very emotional process. Sadly, I won’t have any grandparents at my wedding. I don’t have close relationships with my extended family, so aunts, uncles and cousins will be absent as well. The wedding is a constant reminder of how far away my future stepchildren live, and the high costs of travel point to our frustrating financial and job situations.

There will be no bridesmaids or groomsmen standing up at our wedding. My husband-to-be has a few close friends to invite, but I do not. Traditional wedding events like bridal showers and bachelorette parties either won’t happen at all, or will be on a much smaller scale. My mother had the great idea of a private cooking lesson for a pre-wedding event. I answered “6” when asked how many people might attend but realistically I can’t fill that small guest list.

I think I make a great friend. There’s nothing wrong with me. But friendships from my past have ended or faded and meeting new people is hard.

How do you meet people in your twenties and thirties? My husband-to-be doesn’t drink at all, and I rarely do. The bar scene grew old for me a long time ago. I am not a mother yet, unlike many women my age, so “mommy” groups are out. We’re not religious so there isn’t a church community to pull friends from. I’ve never had a close relationship with my only sister, we’re just too different. My college experience didn’t lead to lifelong friendships – I attended two different universities and was a commuter student the entire time. I don’t take classes or participate in a lot of activities because they cost money that I’m trying not to spend. I’ve made fulfilling connections in online communities, but those friends cannot show up and be present in my real world life.

I work and I come home. My husband-to-be does the same. We’re homebodies and we like it, but sometimes we miss having people in our lives. An exciting milestone such as our wedding makes me want to have people to celebrate with. Life is good and I’m content, but a few genuine friendships would make things even better.

~E

Am I The Only One?

Is anyone like me?
Don’t worry; this isn’t going to be about how 'special' and 'unique' I am. I wish there were more people just like me, so we could get together over a glass of wine or a cup of coffee and compare notes.

Is anyone else marrying someone who has been married before?

I know second marriages aren’t incredibly uncommon these days, but I am a first time bride with a second time groom. In the first half of my engagement, I haven’t come across anyone in real life in the same position to swap stories with. Blogs or communities for second wives or second marriages aren’t for me because I’m doing this all for the first time. I don’t have wisdom to spout on married life or an ex husband to deconstruct.

Is anyone else entering step parenthood in a situation where the children are a long, long distance away?

Becoming a step mom is daunting enough; adding thousands of miles only complicates the situation. The (online) world of step parenting seems heavily skewed to the ‘blended family’ side of life, and I’m only trying to blend myself in. I have no kids of my own, yet.

Did anyone else reach age twenty-nine without knowing what their dream job or ultimate passion in life was?

Did anyone take eight, yes eight, years to finish college?

Is anyone else still relying on their parents for financial help, while also feeling incredibly unmotivated when it comes to finding a career?

Financial self-help books don’t often mention the ‘problem’ of financial dependence on one’s parents. And job sites rarely have any sage advice for people who have no idea what they are doing or where they want to go.

Does anyone else not feel like a grown-up yet? When is that going to happen?

I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, and that’s a lonely feeling. Because of my fear of being viewed as “weird” or “different” I’ve realized that I don’t talk about my life. Or I talk about it very selectively, leaving details out that other people won’t understand.

It’s not just about needing advice or help. I’m a reader and a researcher. No matter what stage or phase I am in, I crave information. Graduating college and finding my first job? Google it. Tough break-up or bad roommate situation? Google it. Want a better relationship with my parents, sister, or nephew? Google. Google. Google.

Any time I search for advice on my current positions in life I come up short. I long for similar stories, something that resonates with me personally.

Is there anybody out there like me? Even in a small way? If so, speak up! It would be lovely to have a kindred spirit to talk to.

~E