Take Extra Vitamins & Go To Bed Early!

Time to add to my saga of the difficult boss. My supervisor told me last week that I need to check with her before I ever call my doctor or dentist. She said that she needs to provide me with a list of suggested dates and times that work for her before I call to schedule any appointments. She mentioned that she has changed her own dental appointment fifteen times because of work commitments. I jokingly said "I guess nobody in this office can ever get sick" and she advised me to start taking extra vitamins and going to bed as early as possible.

Does she not see the type of environment she is creating? One where the employees health and well being comes second to work? If that is her personal choice, to sacrifice her own health, that is fine. But she cannot make that choice about my health, and my well being. It's outrageous. Not to mention how difficult it can often be to schedule a medical appointment to begin with! Many offices only perform certain procedures on certain days. My doctors schedules will not always (if ever) coincide perfectly with my supervisors! And if I need medical attention I plan on calling my doctor or dentist immediately. I have to make myself a priority, I don't give an expletive if it inconveniences my office! It's not like we are working in a life or death field where one day off here and there is fatal. We work at a college, everything will be okay.

This latest development is discouraging as I am trying to get pregnant. I do not plan on telling my boss about a pregnancy until I absolutely have to. Therefore, if I need to go see my doctor, I wouldn't want to tell her the reason behind my appointment. And I'm sure pregnancy comes with many appointments. I hope my husband and I did conceive this month, but I also dread dealing with it in my current workplace, especially if I have the misfortune of a difficult pregnancy or even just sickness in early pregnancy.

I wish the powers that be at my institution could see what it is like to work under this supervisor. I feel stuck in a bad situation that only has the potential to get worse as the fall semester quickly approaches.

~E

4 Months In ...

Is higher education the right field for me? I'm four months into my new job now and I'm still not sure I can answer that question. For one, I haven't been through an entire academic year yet. Some jobs might be easy to read after four months, but I truly won't understand mine until I have been through a full academic year from start to finish. I have only seen half of a spring semester and part of summer so far.

I did complete my first major task successfully - working with student leaders during four summer orientation sessions. I was clueless and unprepared when given the assignment, but now that it is over I can proudly say I did it well. Next year, if I am still in this role, will be a breeze. My stress level has lowered a little now that that particular project is behind me, but I am still a little anxious about the upcoming fall semester (more unknowns and new tasks).

Most days I think this is not the job for me. I don't know if it's the position, the field, the university, or my supervisor, or some combination that make me doubt this job. Would I be happier doing a different job in a different department? Would I love this role under a new supervisor? Am I meant for this work, but just not meshing with the culture of this particular university? Or is higher education just not my thing?

I'm not going anywhere anytime soon because of the stress of job searching, needing insurance and a paycheck, and wanting to start a family soon. I also don't want to leave after a few months and be viewed as a 'job hopper' in the future. In the meantime I will be constantly evaluating my job and what I want to do with my life.

I also can't think about work without thinking about family. I want a career that offers flexibility and family friendliness. Work is not my life. I don't think it ever will be. Work is what I need to do to live my life. I want a job that provides excellent benefits such as insurance and plenty of vacation and sick days. I want a salary that can support my family and the lifestyle we want to lead. I want room to grow, move up, and earn more so I can continue to better the lives of myself and my family.

How do you evaluate whether a job or career field is the right fit for you?

~E

An untruth.

I have unfortunately been dealing with what I have been describing as a hostile environment at work. I have only been in my new job for just under four months and I have already been reduced to tears at my desk (not a proud moment, wish I was a little tougher).

I recently took the courageous route and brought the topic up to my boss's boss. I felt this was risky, but necessary.

The worst part of this conversation with my boss's boss was a comment about a former co-worker of mine. I only had one other co-worker in my office, who left for a new job in May. Boss's boss told me this person disliked working with me and found me "condescending." Hearing this was hurtful, but also confusing. I have racked my brain all weekend, going over my relationship with this co-worker and replaying all of our interactions. Something felt very wrong to me. I couldn't think of a time or an incident where this accusation could have been true. Especially since I felt like this co-worker and I became friends while working together! We joked a lot, shared parts of our personal lives, chatted online, texted, because Facebook friends. We went to a conference together with one other person and had a blast. We only vented to each other a lot about our difficult boss.We have talked several times since she left our office and it has always been very positve and friendly.

This evening I finally worked up the courage to text my former co-worker and ask her to be brutually honest about working with me. I made it clear that if I did treat her poorly at all, that I really wanted to know about it so I could sincerely apologize. Her response was "Never. Not even close." When I explained the situation to her she was shocked and surprised. She described the comments as a "bizarre lie." She made it very clear to me (as I already knew from our many, many conversations in person while we worked together) that our supervisor and the way she treated us was 80% of the reason she began looking for other jobs.

I feel better and worse at the same time. I am under the impression that my supervisor is lying about me, to protect herself. It is a terrible feeling and nothing I have ever dealt with. I am most angry at the fact that I doubted myself. I let this singular untrue comment get under my skin and I wondered for too long if there was any truth inside it. I am not a condescending, difficult to work with person, far from it. I am the bubbly, smiley, kind co-worker.

I have a meeting scheduled with both my supervisor and her boss on Monday afternoon. We are supposed to work through our issues and discuss how we can do a better job of communicating with each other. I am not looking forward to it at all. I feel ganged up on and lied to. I don't feel secure in my job, even though I know I am a hard worker, who is intelligent, creative, dedicated and enthusiastic.

I have never been in a situation like this. Even if the meeting tomorrow goes pretty well and communication improves, I don't know how long I will be able to work in this department under these individuals. I can't trust people who tell hurtful lies about me.

~E

Nice timing universe!

After feeling proud and hopeful yesterday about our current debt payoff plan I made the mistake of checking the mail. Two envelopes from the California State Tax Board. And my heart sinks.

The state tax debt I have previously discussed is for Virginia, so this is an additional debt to add to our list. We knew California would need to be dealt with eventually, but hoped it would be on our own time. You cannot hide from the government and the debt is owed. My husband will need to contact them and work out a payment plan. Hopefully the monthly payment amount won't be too high so we can still reach some other goals.

Add $4,333.67 to our total. I thought we would be 100% done with our debt in less than three years, probably not anymore. Trying my hardest not to let this make me feel defeated. The timing was almost laughable. I was literally on the phone with my husband discussing our plans for the loan and how excited we will be to be debt free soon when I put my hands on the mail.

Real funny universe! I don't appreciate your timing at all.

~E

Back to square one

It's time to buckle down.

My husband checked our bank account online this morning and was surprised to see we didn't have a lot of extra money beyond his just received paycheck. This does not come as a surprise to me as I have been checking the account daily and tracking our spending for a little over a week now.

I have learned in the short time we have been married and financially merged, that nothing works if we are not on the same page. I can't get far with debt payoff and limited spending if my husband is in a splurging state of mind. Facing our checking account balance may have been an unfortunate way to start his day, but for me it is a relief. I am happy that we are both now aware of our situation. We can discuss how we got here together and make a plan to move forward.

We have been living a lifestyle that we can't afford. We can't say "it's only $15, it's not a big deal" every time we're not in the mood to cook dinner and opt to grab a sandwich somewhere instead. Those $5, $10, $15, and $20 purchases have all majorly added up over the last several months. My husband has felt like we haven't been spending much money (with the exception of eating out too often), but with a little thinking I can rattle off a pretty significant list of places our money has gone. Books, dvd's, going to the movies, eating out, a bridal shower gift, a graduation gift, greeting cards, haircuts, clothes, a day at the shooting range, joining a gym, accessories for our new cell phones, and lot's of unneccessary treats at the grocery store. My husband described it well - he's had a wall up between himself and reality. I do not have that same wall, but I am guilty of letting the behavior continue on too long.

We will sit down together this evening to discuss this further and come up with a plan. One of the major problems we are facing is that we have a large purchase to make before summer is over (plane tickets so the kids can visit) but have spent any money that could have been used for that purpose.

I have a few ideas in mind that should help us.

*We need to go back to grocery shopping only once a week, using some kind of meal plan to make the most of the food we buy, and sticking to a set budget limit for groceries.

*I need to continue tracking our spending and checking our bank balances regularly - and sharing this information with my husband. We should be discussing money and our goals weekly.

*Leaving money sitting in our checking account just doesn't work, if it's there it will get spent on something. If we have big things to save for, we need to either transfer money into a safer savings account, or set cash aside in an envelope.

*We desperately need to get back to a budget, but my husband might not be ready for that just yet.

*This is a little more difficult, but we need to find a way to break the cycle of stress/emotional eating and to stop using food as a reward or treat. This is bad for our wallets and our waistlines.

So here we are again, back at square one it seems. Not enough money in the bank, not able to lead the lifestyle we want. It's time to face up to all of our faults and do better.

~E

Envy & Inadequacy

Last night, I hosted a book club meeting at my apartment. Only two lovely ladies were able to attend out of the eight total members in our group, but it was still a very nice evening.  Being a part of the book club is relatively new to me (I was invited to join by a co-worker at my former job) and I’ve missed a few meetings myself due to being overwhelmed by my new job.

Leading up to hosting I felt negatively several times about our apartment. First, I felt bad for living in an apartment at all, since many of the book club women live in houses. Then I feel bad about our old, broken couch, the dirty carpet, our lack of a real bed, my embarrassing old furniture some of which I have had since I was a teenager, the bare white walls with no framed artwork or photographs. I feel inadequate, and nervous about being judged. It’s a terrible feeling because I don’t usually view our home through that set of eyes. On a normal day, I love our home. It’s comfortable, it’s us, it’s peaceful.  It’s a safe place for my husband and I both to come home to every day – it’s our sanctuary. We don’t have people over very often (mostly because we live in an apartment, and have limited space and seating) so opening our home up like this was in a way an invasion of privacy and made me feel vulnerable.

When my guests arrived they were very complimentary of the apartment and I felt more at ease. But as the conversations strayed from the book and towards personal life I began feeling poorly again. Both women travel regularly to Italy. Both have vacations planned this summer – two weeks at beautiful beaches in North Carolina and a trip across the country to California. Both women live in real houses and spend their weekends decorating and working on home improvements. When I mentioned wishing we lived in a house one of my guests, whom I had just met for the first time, said in an almost singsong voice “now is the time to buy!” I can hear the sentence ringing in my ears. Now may very well be a great time to buy a house, but not for someone without any money.

I envy their trips, their travels, their shopping sprees at Home Depot, their backyards, their family beach houses, their spare bedrooms that are used as workout rooms and crafting spaces. That lifestyle feels so unattainable sometimes.  I often wonder where I went wrong. Was it a series of poor decisions on my part the led me to not have these things I covet? Is it because I didn’t choose the right school or major, and took too long to finish my education? Career choices? Lack of drive? Spending and savings decisions? I'm not sure either of these women are dealing with debt or child support. Is it too late to achieve things like owning a home, being able to afford a summer vacation every year, occasionally traveling the world?

All in all, I enjoyed playing hostess for a few hours and it was very nice being social and having some girl time. On a positive note - our cat, who is extremely friendly, vocal, and lovey, was the star of the night and both of my guests fell in love with him.

The comparison game is a terrible one to play. Sometimes I just feel so behind ...

~E

Mark the calendar.

I cried at work yesterday. In front of my boss. Because of my boss.

Embarrassing.

I'm struggling with how to handle the situation. I believe there is very poor communication and that my supervisor can be hostile at times. Often we get along very well, she is complimentary of my work and I learn from her. But there are times (unpredictably so) when I get berated, treated like a child, talked to in hostile and condescending ways. I dread going to work and I've been in this position for less than four months.

I could confront my boss. I could go up a level and talk to my boss's boss. I could talk to HR. I don't have a lot of confidence in any of these options. A lateral move would be great, but there aren't any openings at the moment.

I woke up this morning with a sore jaw (likely from grinding my teeth all night due to stress), so I will take that as a sign I should do something.

~E

Exhaustion & Expectations

Yesterday I survived one of my first big challenges at work. We had a huge event on campus (orientation for new students – the first of four this summer) and I was at work all day beginning at 6:30 AM. My feet, legs, knees, even hips, were so sore from running around non-stop! By the end of the day I was limping. I’m still a little sore today and will confess to having taken two naps so far in my recovery attempt.

Overall the event went really well. Orientation is a great example of how much I have learned in an extremely short period of time at my new job. I’m gaining experience with many valuable skills that I didn’t use in my previous job such as completing payroll, supervising employees, placing orders for supplies and custom products, and public speaking. My role in orientation involved creating an application and advertising for a student volunteer position. I then interviewed, selected, and trained my team of students, and supervised them on the day of the event.  

I’m proud of my team, and look forward to the next three sessions. I had been told more than once that I can’t hold my student volunteers to high expectations because they are not being paid. I disagree and I’m glad I held my ground.  I did set some standards for my group to meet. For the most part they met or exceeded my expectations. The dress code is a great example – I outlined a detailed list of expectations (no shorts above the knee, no hats, etc.) and explained the reasons why I believed it was important for to look their best. Every single student showed up dressed according to code and looking great. I also expected my volunteers to arrive on campus pretty early (7 AM) and again they did not disappoint. I believe you can set the bar high. I will continue to do so, and I think the position that these student volunteers fulfill will become more respected, coveted, prestigious, and efficient because of it.

Now I think it’s time for more ibuprofen and my third nap …

~E

More Motherhood Musings ...

I have a few more worries to unload…

Money. Simple as that. The financial burden of bringing a child into the world (and I want more than one). I worry because we don’t have savings in the bank, and we have debt (tax, student loans, and a little credit). My husband and I do not lead a frivolous life, and we’ve really grown in our consciousness when it comes to spending. We always make things work, and financially our life is improving, albeit slowly. But still … getting pregnant without the security of a nice chunk of savings is a little scary. I worry about the big stuff (medical bills for a difficult delivery or a sick baby) and the little stuff (wanting to be able to buy whatever cute thing I see in Target!). Of course, the sage advice in this area is that if you want until you can afford to have a baby, you will never have one.

I’ve already explored the idea of motherhood while stuck in a less than ideal job, but there are a few other things that just occurred to me. Conferences, and traveling – my job involves a little of both. Being on the road and away from my husband isn’t idea for trying to conceive or while pregnant. I dread the thought. And what about graduate school? Continuing my education is something I’ve been thinking about casually for years. Will I be able to do that as a parent? While pregnant? I especially want to continue my education if it means a better career, and better future for my family. My husband’s career could also be a factor. He is doing so well at his job right now, but has mentioned more than once that he may not stay with this company forever. I better adjust to the idea of both of us changing jobs throughout the years, while balancing parenthood and marriage as well.

Where we live is also in question. Will we always stay in Virginia? I don’t know. It’s difficult to think about moving away from my family. It’s also difficult having my husband’s family and children so far away (and in different directions). We dream often of finding a place to live that is solely about “us” and not related at all to where everyone else lives. Geography aside, we’re also just outgrowing our current apartment that we have lived in for over two years now. Settling into a house to raise a family would be so beautiful, but just isn’t possible right now (scroll back up to the money paragraph if you need to).

If we are going to try to conceive I would like to work on my health and fitness. The stress of my new job has led me back to two old friends – mass quantities of caffeine, and stress eating! I need to manage my stress in healthier ways so I can have a healthy pregnancy and be a good role model to my children. I want to be a healthy, happy mom. I have this voice in my mind that is telling me I can’t mother until I am perfect. I need to be perfectly healthy, in a perfect job, in a perfect house, with a perfect savings account. The epitome of health, wealth, and balance for my future children. The perfection pressure exhausts and overwhelms me.

I obviously have trouble wrapping my mind around more than one thing at a time. I need to focus on my health, or focus on my job performance.  Focus on getting pregnant, or focus on finances.

Every day so many people do develop their careers and start families at the same time – often while also moving across the country, spending time on hobbies, and having a fun social life. It is possible. It must be possible.

~E

On Work & Motherhood

Am I Ready?

My husband and I want to have children together. There are already two in the picture, from a previous marriage, but we still want to have children that are “ours.” Becoming a mother is very important to me, and so is having a child with my husband. I always imagined being a mother, more so than I ever imagined getting married or having a particular career. I just knew it was something I would eventually do. Mother. Mother to many children – I once went through a phase where I told people I wanted TEN! In high school I also dreamed of having four boys (including having their names picked out) – pretty sure I was having trouble getting along with girls at that point in my life.

I have struggled a lot over recent years with the “Am I ready?” question. Most of the time I feel that I am not ‘grown up’ enough to be a parent. When I shared this with a potentially wise young dad he told me that I won’t ever feel grown up until the moment I do become a parent. He might be right. I may need to let go of the urge to feel 100% ready before moving forward.

My current struggles in regards to becoming a parent though, are all career-related. I worry about the timing of parenthood and where I am in my search for a career. I worry about getting pregnant while in a job that I’m unhappy with. Being stuck in a bad job is one thing, stuck while also pregnant, or with an infant? That has to be much worse. I worry about the negative effects of going out on maternity leave while I’m still so new to my job (if we started trying now, I will be exactly at the one year mark in my new position). Will I fall behind, right at the very point I started knowing what I was doing? I’m in higher education now, and maternity leave could interrupt my first full academic year – so I’ll never be able to judge if the field is really right for me. I worry about being judged by my supervisor and her supervisor, about how I’d be inconveniencing them somehow. And I worry about job stress preventing me from enjoying such a beautiful time in mine and my husband’s life.

Leaving my current job also feels like a non-option if I want to get pregnant in the near future. I have to work. Financially, we both have to be working at this point in our lives, so I need to be in a job long enough to qualify for the maximum maternity leave. If I leave my job for another, the clock resets. We can’t push things off forever while I shop for the elusive perfect job.

I feel sad about leaving my old job while I have these career vs. motherhood thoughts. The job was not fulfilling or high paying, but it was good in many other ways.  It was an incredibly family-friendly environment full of baby-loving people. Co-workers babysit each others children, celebrate milestones together, and having a kid in the office due to an unforeseen emergency was no big deal. Leaving work to go to multiple doctors appointments would have been simple. People would have been sympathetic and helpful if I was sick. I also was far past the minimum time to qualify for maternity leave and had great sick and vacation time saved up as well. I shouldn’t dwell on it too much, it’s not my place anymore.

Has anyone else felt this scared or conflicted?

I think I know deep down that all of this is just fear talking. Everything will work out as it should. I can’t let one job control my life choices. I work to live, I don’t live to work. Family is the most important thing - my husband, our future children.

~E

This update is for you - Part II

It’s a good thing I didn’t promise to write often, seeing how I went almost a year without updating this blog. I still feel a little ruffled by life at times, but post-wedding and sitting pretty at thirty I do believe I have more days of calm. ”Confused, flustered and maybe a little bit crazy” can probably more often be applied to my personality than to my everyday life. Ruffled will stick as a title. I still love the word, and I hope the concept is genuine.

 The search for friends still continues. I have made attempts to be more social, including joining a book club and accepting lunch invitations from a nice new co-worker. My husband still has a few true friends, although we may not see them often. A tight knit crew of pals sounds like a dream we’re missing out on, but I won’t complain about our quiet, comfortable life. This life is good. My heart will stay open to new people and new opportunities, but that same heart is currently very content.

As you already know, my current gig is no longer current. I could finish up with the ‘likes’ half of that blog post (and still might) but I know that what I write now will be skewed by nostalgia for my old co-workers and the safety of a familiar routine.  I do plan to look at all of the jobs I have had over the years as a way of discovering more about what type of career suits my lifestyle best and will make me truly happy.

I can offer a positive update to the Paralyzed post. I escaped the repetitive trap of insanity and changed! I did get a second job – as a caregiver for elderly people on weekends and evenings – for about 8 months. It was difficult sometimes, but it did help a little financially. Working two jobs also spurred me on in my search for one better full time job.

I also actively pursued the volunteering idea. I signed up with my local chapter of Girls on the Run (an amazing group in my opinion) and went through training to be an Assistant Coach. Unfortunately, when I accepted my new job, I had to bow out of the position because of time conflicts. I believe I would have been very fulfilled by volunteering for Girls on the Run and hope I can find a way to make it work in the future. I am particularly drawn to causes that involve helping girls in the elementary and middle school age range. I will keep searching for other ways to volunteer and make a difference. I’m sure it is good for the soul.

I can say I’m no longer paralyzed, but I can’t say I’m stress-free. I am stressed more often than not. One of my missions for my thirtieth year should be learning to relax, let go, and live in the moment. Wish me luck …

~E

This update is for me.

Hello world. I've resurfaced. Time for an update?
Since almost a year has passed by with no blogging, a lot has changed. A lot I'm sure has stayed the same too. I resisted the urge to read over all my old posts and came straight here to the fresh blank page. Writing has been on my mind for a few days (I know it's good for me), so I finally sat down to do it.
Without looking over everything I previously wrote on Ruffled Life, I can update a few areas of my life. I'm officially a wife and a stepmom now - newlywed for 259 sweet days now (but who's counting?).
I have also changed jobs. After 2 years and 3 months, I am no longer a receptionist. I'm almost to the 3 month mark in my new job. To keep a long story short, I now work for a University. My current role has more responsibility than my former job, I'm still overwhelmed at the newness of it all, I'm undecided on whether higher education is the correct career field for me, and I miss my old co-workers dearly.
Short & sweet - that's all for now!
-E

Paralyzed

Life feels pretty stressful lately, and something needs to change.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about volunteering. Not just for the betterment of the community, but also for the selfish purpose of advancing myself, career-wise. From what I’ve observed, successful people are busy and involved in their communities. I, however, just go to work and come home.

Volunteering could be a way to meet new people, network, learn new skills, and maybe even discover a potential new career. But volunteering won’t solve any of our financial problems in the short term, and those are the problems that feel most pressing right now. I also worry that a volunteer position could cost me money – money spent driving around town for example, or money to attend events, money that I don’t have. But I can’t change my life if I never leave my apartment, right?

I also am seriously considering a second, part-time, just for the extra cash. Something I’ve considered many times in the past, but never followed through on. I worry of course about the extra time away from home – less time to do chores, grocery shop and cook meals (the effort that is keeping our grocery bill so low), less time with my husband-to-be. My fears of rejection of course crop up too, “why would anyone want to hire me? etc.”

I don’t have enough money for life. Period. I can’t support myself 100%. I can’t pay off my debt as fast as I’d like to. I can’t travel or buy presents for my loved ones. So more income (through a second job) feels like the only solution.

This is where I feel paralyzed. I feel like I can only do one thing at a time and I never know what to do first. I don’t know where it comes from, but I have a constant sense of there not being enough time. Never enough time. So instead I waste time worrying about what to do and which choice to make. I freeze. I stall. Paralyzed.

What’s that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results? I think it’s time I try something different.

~E