More Motherhood Musings ...

I have a few more worries to unload…

Money. Simple as that. The financial burden of bringing a child into the world (and I want more than one). I worry because we don’t have savings in the bank, and we have debt (tax, student loans, and a little credit). My husband and I do not lead a frivolous life, and we’ve really grown in our consciousness when it comes to spending. We always make things work, and financially our life is improving, albeit slowly. But still … getting pregnant without the security of a nice chunk of savings is a little scary. I worry about the big stuff (medical bills for a difficult delivery or a sick baby) and the little stuff (wanting to be able to buy whatever cute thing I see in Target!). Of course, the sage advice in this area is that if you want until you can afford to have a baby, you will never have one.

I’ve already explored the idea of motherhood while stuck in a less than ideal job, but there are a few other things that just occurred to me. Conferences, and traveling – my job involves a little of both. Being on the road and away from my husband isn’t idea for trying to conceive or while pregnant. I dread the thought. And what about graduate school? Continuing my education is something I’ve been thinking about casually for years. Will I be able to do that as a parent? While pregnant? I especially want to continue my education if it means a better career, and better future for my family. My husband’s career could also be a factor. He is doing so well at his job right now, but has mentioned more than once that he may not stay with this company forever. I better adjust to the idea of both of us changing jobs throughout the years, while balancing parenthood and marriage as well.

Where we live is also in question. Will we always stay in Virginia? I don’t know. It’s difficult to think about moving away from my family. It’s also difficult having my husband’s family and children so far away (and in different directions). We dream often of finding a place to live that is solely about “us” and not related at all to where everyone else lives. Geography aside, we’re also just outgrowing our current apartment that we have lived in for over two years now. Settling into a house to raise a family would be so beautiful, but just isn’t possible right now (scroll back up to the money paragraph if you need to).

If we are going to try to conceive I would like to work on my health and fitness. The stress of my new job has led me back to two old friends – mass quantities of caffeine, and stress eating! I need to manage my stress in healthier ways so I can have a healthy pregnancy and be a good role model to my children. I want to be a healthy, happy mom. I have this voice in my mind that is telling me I can’t mother until I am perfect. I need to be perfectly healthy, in a perfect job, in a perfect house, with a perfect savings account. The epitome of health, wealth, and balance for my future children. The perfection pressure exhausts and overwhelms me.

I obviously have trouble wrapping my mind around more than one thing at a time. I need to focus on my health, or focus on my job performance.  Focus on getting pregnant, or focus on finances.

Every day so many people do develop their careers and start families at the same time – often while also moving across the country, spending time on hobbies, and having a fun social life. It is possible. It must be possible.

~E