Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Structure vs. Spontaneity

Today at work I was told I am very "structured." I'm viewed as a perfectionist who needs things to be exactly so in order to function. I have difficulty adjusting when things don't go the way I wanted them to, or the way I think they should. I'm also viewed as very organized, and as a planner and preparer.

This structured, strict, immovable person is so far removed from the picture of myself that I hold inside. I see me as a messy, nervous, sweaty, disheveled, disorganized, clumsy, rushed, well-meaning, overwhelmed, slightly lacking in confidence, faking it 'til she makes it, desperately trying to catch up girl. I like this mess of a girl and I'm rooting for her - so I'm surprised when others see a complete different girl in her place.

When did this "structured" behavior begin? Is it a good thing or a bad thing to be this way? Have I always been this way? And do I really need to know when or where it started ... or is that just another example of me trying to be perfect, precise, and in control? Is my need to (over) analyze this comment part of the problem?

I'm being gentle with myself and trying not to take the comment personally. I know there are plenty of benefits to my personality and working style. There are a lot of areas where I excel and where I am an asset. In the same conversation today my supervisor also told me I was "in my element" at our big event last week. I do know I still need to find my way though, and be open to constructive criticism. I do have high expectations and can be set in my ways at times.

So what is the solution here? How can I improve?
Yoga ... meditation ... medication ... therapy ... wine? I think write often about my need to relax or 'let go.' Even in my personal life I think I need to be more spontaneous. My day shouldn't be ruined if plans change. Life should be a crazy, unpredictable, beautiful adventure that can't be planned for, right?
There's nothing wrong with a little structure and planning, but am I keeping myself from living life to the fullest?


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